Ministry is hard. If you are the spouse of a pastor and you read that sentence, you most likely thought, “That is the understatement of the year.” We know from the earliest pages of Scripture that work is going to be hard, ground will not yield its bounty without toil, and weeds- all of that is to be expected. But there is something particularly hard about working in ministry. After all, we follow the man of sorrows; He is our example. And our mission is actually supernaturally opposed. Yes, ministry is hard. And it’s really hard on ministry spouses, and on a marriage. So how do we fight to maintain a healthy, God-honoring marriage in the midst of the hard work of ministry?
First, remember that you are not alone. Scripture is consistent in using family language for us in the church. We are brothers and sisters, children of the good Father. But so often as ministry spouses we feel completely alone. We have to hold our tongues and not share our true thoughts. As a result of past pain, I have been hesitant to establish deep relationships within the church in which my husband and I serve. It’s risky to put your heart out there. But we are part of a family, and we have to fight the instincts that cause us to hide behind a plastered-on smile. We need to seek safe relationships where we are free to be our authentic selves. God made us purposefully to reflect Him, each of us uniquely. Having a good friend who will encourage you to love your spouse, your children, and choose not to become cynical in your ministry context is worth fighting for.
Second, work hard to take your thoughts captive. There was a season in my marriage that my husband was driving me crazy. It was small things, not major sins or things that could not be ignored. The Lord was kind to reveal to me that my problem with my spouse was really where I was letting my mind rest. In that season, I began to really understand what Paul meant in II Corinthians 10:5. I was allowing my mind to ruminate on the things about my spouse that annoyed me rather than the things about him that I admired. I started to keep a list of the positive qualities about him that attracted me to him in the first place. When I became tempted to complain about him (in my mind), I would take out the list and re-write the thoughts in my brain. That intentional practice of taking my thoughts captive has improved not only my marriage but all of my relationships, and I have grown in love for others accordingly.
Last, I have learned to continually preach the good news of our salvation and God’s plan for deliverance of this world to myself and my husband regularly. In His great mercy and sovereignty, He has called us to serve Him uniquely within the Kingdom. It encourages me to daily remember that He has a plan for bringing the light of the world to the lost through the Church, and my husband and I have a chance to contribute in our little part of the mountains. Having a shared passion for the church has been a sweet mission for my husband and me to be co-laborers for Christ. Even though we serve in different ways, his role being up front and much of mine being in the background as his counselor and supporter, the shared mission brings a depth to our love and purpose.
Yes, ministry is hard. But fighting for the health of your marriage and family is where the good stuff is found. As wives, we have a unique place from which to encourage our husband to continue to fight the good fight. The results are worth it, and are part of the abundant life that Jesus wants us to have.
Keep going! Eternal rewards are waiting.
Martha Pressler is married to Kurt, pastor at Trinity Church in Edwards, Colorado.
