My first few years in youth ministry were precisely what you might expect. I didn’t have a ton of experience, but I had a love for God and a deep passion for seeing teenagers come to know Him. In my youthful zeal, I thought I had to be the coolest and funniest youth pastor in town with programming that would draw a big crowd. I needed the best monthly events and expensive prizes to give away after every Wednesday night game. I thought that the youth room needed to look cool and that our graphics needed to be on point. Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with these things, but for me, I was missing the point. I don’t have time to discuss how this ministry approach wasn’t an expression of my gifting or calling, but suffice it to say, I was trying to fulfill what I thought stereotypical youth ministry should look like. Aside from my pretense of being a cool youth pastor, the primary gap in my ministry was how I treated the middlemen in my midst. Let me explain myself.
As a young youth pastor with no children of my own, I honestly did not have a heart for ministering to parents. Frankly, I treated them like middlemen. Though I would’ve never said this out loud, I actively treated them like they were only there to sign forms, drop off students, pay camp fees, and provide sports schedules. Though I wasn’t aware of this blind spot, I thought I could do a better job of raising students than their own parents! It wasn’t until after my wife and I welcomed our first child into the world that I realized this pattern in my ministry.
As a new parent, I realized that passages like Deuteronomy 6:4-9 and verses like Ephesians 6:4 had implications for my home. My wife and I were called to disciple my daughter, and I didn’t even know where to start. My journey into family ministry had begun! I never could look at my family the same way again, and I could never look at my youth ministry the same way again. Suddenly, the middlemen…I mean, parents… were essential to my ministry. Not only were they essential, but they were also actually the primary disciple makers of the students that came to my church every week. To put it bluntly, my hopes for discipling the next generation had been fueled by the assumption that my youth ministry somehow trumped the home. I had to repent of that both personally and publicly. Now, I firmly believe that reaching the next generation becomes more likely when we reach parents. Here are a few reasons and realities:
Whether we like it or not, children and teens tend to emulate their parents’ behavior, responding positively or negatively to the lifestyles they choose. To be clear, God’s sovereignty is not hindered by the state of a parent’s faith. As a father of two little girls, I’m thankful for this reality. However, if you want lasting change in homes, prayerfully minister well to those who are called to lead them.
Through the family ministry non-profit where I work, I have the opportunity to interact with parents and other guardians from all over the country. One common experience shared by parents is the feeling of failure. Most parents don’t feel like they are doing enough. Many of them think that they are doing a poor job, and an equal number of these parents don’t have anyone to encourage them. Suppose we believe that parents are called to disciple their kids. In that case, church leaders must be willing to help them normalize imperfection and consistently encourage them toward the grace that only Jesus can provide. If parents are consistently and substantially encouraged by their pastors, they can see more clearly the path that God has laid out for them in discipling their children.
Many parents have expressed to me that they did not receive a good example from their parents. Therefore, they understandably assume that they are working at a disadvantage. Part of the hope of Psalm 78:1-8 is that generational sin does not have to continue. Parents and kids can set their hope in God, not forget his commandments, and run from the sins of those that came before them. Parents need to know that generational trends can stop with them. When a parent sees their upbringing and past through the lens of grace, they can offer grace to their parents and shepherd their kids with a renewed sense of hope.
I used to view my ministry to teenagers as primary, while the home and the larger church existed to supplement my efforts. On the contrary, Scripture did not prescribe such a disposition. My youth ministry should have served as a healthy supplement to the primary ministries of the home and the larger church in the discipleship of teenagers. If my ministry were to work against the discipleship efforts of the home and the church, I would be working against two of the institutions God created for the expansion of His kingdom. When some hear “supplemental,” they immediately assume it is a pejorative label. However, I couldn’t disagree more. When healthy kids’ and student ministries partner well with parents and pastors, the results can be truly remarkable!
I recall the moment when it became clear to me that I was called to reach lost parents in the same way I was called to reach lost students. Not every parent is willing to be reached, but kids’ and youth ministries provide an excellent opportunity to share the gospel and offer practical care to parents. Many of us were like Timothy in that we needed a Paul, and praise God for the adults in churches who step up every week to disciple kids and teens when parents are unwilling to do so. However, we do the next generation a great disservice when we ignore lost parents. Kids will see how the youth ministry interacts with their parents, and they will take notice.
When my kids were very small, parents of teens would often warn of the teen years with a gravity usually reserved for a warning against an oncoming grizzly bear! Now, it’s undoubtedly true that the teen years are typically complicated for most families. However, that does not mean that the stereotype can dictate your home. I can honestly say that the rebellious, rude, and distant teenager stereotype has been the exception rather than the rule in nearly 15 years of student and family ministry.
When I was confronted with the reality that God had called me to reach parents with the same passion as I did with students, I was overwhelmed by the thought. It was frankly easier to try to be the cool youth pastor! However, I began to realize that though my chapter with these teens will typically come and go, their relationship with their parents has far deeper roots. When God works in the lives of moms and dads, the soil has been tilled to produce generational fruit. Some of my students have formed lifelong friendships and bonds with my wife and me, but nearly all my students have a connection to their parents. If, by God’s grace, those connections are redeemed for the kingdom of God, we’ve been able to have a front-row seat to a miracle that will only be fully seen in Heaven.
Praise God that ministry to and with parents does not have to be a middleman ministry. It won’t always be easy, but once you’ve seen God use your next-gen ministry efforts to impact homes, you’ll never want to go back to the way it used to be done.
Frank Trimble is the Executive Director of Family Time Training in Littleton, CO (famtime.com). He is also one of the Youth Directors at Calvary Church in Englewood, CO. He desires to see home discipleship become the norm, rather than the exception, in the lives of believers worldwide. His primary ministry is to his wife and their two wonderful daughters.
