Let me just say this from the start: I moved out of my parents’ house for a reason. Please don’t hear that wrong…I absolutely adore and enjoy my mom and dad. For 19 years of my life, my parents provided love, comfort and security, a sense of home and real equipping for everyday life. Anger, fear, or division didn’t lead me to move out and get my first apartment; in that moment, the move was necessary and a true “rite of passage” that so many of us have experienced. Living with parents to a certain age is “normal” and natural in our American context. And the truth is, “staying too long” might be done out of necessity (we all can recognize the truth that “affordability” doesn’t really define our Western context at all anymore); but simply put, there is a time when “little bird” needs to fly. Sadly, if “little bird” hangs out at the nest too long, there is the potential for real damage to the relationship.
In 2016, my parents received a call that shook their world: my dad had been diagnosed with his first bout of cancer, and the treatment promised to be grueling. Over the next several months, he and my mom dealt with the many necessary obligations in the hopes of earning recovery. Between doctor visits, chemotherapy, feeding tubes, and radiation, my dad suddenly changed from a vibrant and active do-it-yourself, elk hunting, 82-year-old to a self-described “old man”, fighting to climb stairs, dress himself, or contribute to his home.
Through fatigued eyes, my mom watched the husband of her youth, who had cared for her for so many years, wither and begin to fade. At times, he was ready to quit; then his fight would emerge, and he continued to press on. Days passed; weeks faded into weeks. Eventually, my dad walked down a hallway at his treatment center; as the clothes hung off his gaunt frame, he “rang the bell” for all to hear, signaling that his treatment had ended. He was, in this moment, cancer-free. I stood next to him, as much to provide stability as solidarity, and the tears flowed. The next chapter of his and my mom’s life rang loud with the fading of the last “chime” of the bell.
In the weeks that followed, reality continued to set in. Life moved forward amongst new realizations: how would my mom and dad care for the home in which they’d lived all these years? Maintenance issues had already begun to arise. “I just can’t do it,” my dad confessed. The lingering effects of cancer and its treatment added an edge of desperation to his mournful gaze. The man who rarely asked for help over 80-plus years of life was groping in the dark for a solution. Several conversations later, we arrived at a unique and unexpected conclusion: my parents would join us at our home in Parker. Imagination drifted into everyday life; the move was made from Colorado Springs to Parker and Denver Metro. We would honor my parents in the best way we knew how. A family of six was suddenly a family of eight.
Maybe you have lived this scenario? Details may be different, but the idea remains the same: aging parents who need help. Over the years, so many have said to me, “I could never do that!” Others, applauding our commitment, struggled to realize the inherent difficulty on both parts. This was more than adding roommates; this was inviting a couple, who have lived independently for many years, to come home to a place that was never theirs. This was not a case of Grandma and Grandpa visiting at Christmas; this was the beginning of the task of role reversal, asking children to assume a position never imagined and for parents to reciprocally do the same.
With the adjusting roles, there is ultimately a mutual living out of submission, and it can be hard on everyone. Child becomes decision-assisting “parent”; parent becomes an ever-increasingly dependent “child”. Once adding shifting physical limitations, expanding emotional needs, as well as the combining of calendars and altering existing communication, there really is a recipe for difficulty, if not disaster.
The question we were approached with was simple: how can we care for aging parents in a way that is God-honoring, parent-honoring, and respectful of the legacy already established as well as the new one being formed? And let’s be clear: none of this is easy. It has been so difficult at times for reasons already explained. We quickly realized that certain values would need to be established for both parties to feel equally validated and acknowledged. These are lessons continuing to be fleshed out. Here are a few hints of reality we have learned and experienced within those values, learned in real time, and absolutely not to perfection:
1. We had to learn to accept the role of honoring parents as a temporary calling (not merely an obligation).
The Bible clearly teaches that honoring parents is the standard: Exodus 20:12 (ESV) states clearly, “Honor your Father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
Within our immediate family, we had to learn that caring for my aging parents could be viewed as a ministry that God entrusted to our family, not simply as a practical arrangement. The hardest lessons came back to some very responses:
- I had to learn to speak respectfully even during disagreements. I could not resort to becoming the child again. At times, old hurts were easily recollected, and it was far too easy to drift into reverting to “14-year-old” Albert. Even today, in tense moments, I continue to grow by attempting to remain calm in the midst of frustration; in doing so, I honor my parents through both my actions and reactions. Diminishing capacities are not excuses for dishonorable behavior.
- I had to learn how to include my parents in family decisions when appropriate. My wife and I had an opportunity to include my parents in particular discussions that involved everyone. This is not to say that my parents were included in every decision. But if a decision involved the whole household, we included my parents and enjoyed asking for their wisdom and perspective.
All of this ushered in a mindset change for us. We shifted from thinking about my parents as “Those we have to take care of” into a much healthier perspective, “God entrusted us with them.” What could have been a task, became a treasure.
2. I am learning to honor my parents by allowing them to contribute.
Too often, aging parents can struggle with feelings of uselessness or complete dependency. Sadly, as busy adult children, we can unwittingly add to those feelings. Marcy and I had to find appropriate ways to allow them to become contributing members of the household, but this also could apply to those not in a “cohabiting” situation. The truth is that a basic tenet of Christian living reminds each of us to live out of a sense of purpose. This doesn’t end upon combining families or even when aging minds and bodies do not allow for the same type of contribution.
This idea reminds me of Galatians 6:2 where Paul, in speaking to the church in Galatia, says to “Bare one another’s burdens”. We can all agree that the context to which Paul was speaking was different than combining households and caring for aging parents; what is not different is the reality that Christians should remain available to one another for the sake of mutual edification and support.
With this truth in mind, some ideas that we utilized over the years were various, but so appreciated. My parents were able to actively participate in the discipleship of grandchildren by praying with them, spending time together reading Bible stories, helping with homework, etc. My parents enjoyed praying for the whole family together, helping with small projects, and enjoying the occasional cooking opportunity (my mom LOVED this and my dad recognized his wife’s cooking and loved it as well).
All of this contributed to our household being one where everyone’s dignity was kept intact. Everyone felt appreciated, and everyone felt needed. Whether living in the same household or not, finding ways to validate one another as contributing members of the family is a key to a joyful, caring relationship.
3. I am learning to honor my parents by helping build a culture of multi-generational faithfulness.
The simple truth is that in caring for my parents, we unintentionally created a huge opportunity for spiritual discipleship across generations. I guarantee that was not one of the benefits we expected upon undertaking a multi-generational home. I am so thankful that God, in His providence, provided this unexpected blessing.
Psalm 145:4-6 (ESV) describes the beauty of multi-generational faithfulness in this way:
“One generation shall commend your works to another,
and shall declare your mighty acts.
On the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.
They shall speak of the might of your awesome deeds,
and I will declare your greatness.”
What an amazing thought! One generation reminding another of God’s goodness and grace! And we have been blessed to see this beautiful encouragement take place regularly: providing intentional opportunities for my parents to share personal testimonies to their grandchildren of God’s goodness and faithfulness over the years; enjoying moments of family devotions together, and hearing my parents express life-learned spiritual truths to all of us. One of my favorite experiences was including my parents in our at-home Bible Studies and Community Groups. This provided a community to my parents and allowed other church members to experience my parents’ welcoming humor and kindness.
The list could go on and on, sharing prayer requests and praises at dinner; Grandparents blessing grandchildren before bed in evening prayer; including my parents in our immediate family’s Holiday traditions, etc. All of this worked to create a spiritual legacy.
“One generation shall commend your works to another.” This idea allowed us to build rhythms that kept joy alive in our home, set boundaries that were firm but loving, and reminded each of us that living as one family is not simply a duty; it is a joy.
As you think of the rhythms of your own lives, perhaps you are considering an increased presence of aging parents in the home. Whether you decide for them to move in with your immediate family or simply spend more time in your family’s space, it is an adjustment. No matter what, your home must remain a place of cordiality and communication for everyone. Christian homes should always feel warm, not institutional.
As you approach this decision, prayerfully consider the costs (both your immediate family and your parents). And no matter what, move forward with respect, patience, and forgiveness in mind. Understand the need for clear communication and clear goals. Remind yourself that this move, in whatever direction, is a move towards growth and maturing. And as you discover the direction God may have in store for your whole family, trust Him that the work He is doing in you is one you now have the opportunity to model for both your parents and your children. “Honor your Father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
Al Barrera is one of two Lead Co-Pastors at Redemption Hill Church in Colorado Springs. He lives in the Pike’s Peak Region with his wife, Marcy, their daughters, as well as his mother and father. Life is never boring for the Barreras!
