As a Youth Pastor with three young children, I had no reservations telling parents of teens how to raise their kids. After all, I was a “professional youth worker,” so obviously I was well qualified to give such advice even if my own kids were in diapers. As I’ve dealt with plenty of instances of my “normal” kids making normal bad decisions, I’ve become much more frugal in sharing my wisdom. Now that my children are all adults (Ages 26 married with a child, 23 living independently 2100 miles away, and 20 attending college living at home), you pretty much have to pry any sort of parenting counsel out of me.
So, it’s with great humility and some hesitation that I share with you our current dynamics of parenting adult children. It’s hard. Seriously, nothing really prepared us for how difficult this season of parenting is! My former pastor called this stage, “Advice when asked for.” If you are like us and care deeply about your kids making good decisions, you will probably have a significant struggle keeping your mouth closed. I offer no easy steps to guarantee parenting success, but rather 3 simple encouragements for you in your parenting journey:
#1 – Continually give them to God.
I remember dedicating our babies to God in their infancy. It was a beautiful moment recognizing God’s ownership and our stewardship. At some point we tend to forget this and think they are ours. We see their success or failure in life as a direct reflection of our parenting, and that we must control and direct them. I found that in ministry, not only my parenting but also the effectiveness of my very calling was on the line! In all honesty, much of my parenting was driven by “you’re making me look bad as the Pastor” rather than, “how can I help point you to Jesus?” Stewardship is our responsibility, and let’s face it, we’ve all made plenty of mistakes. A favorite saying in our household was, “This will be another thing to speak with your therapist about.”
#2 – Keep the light on for them.
Speaking of therapists, some of the best advice we’ve received from ours was to have the “Motel 6” mentality. If you’re old enough to have adult kids, you probably remember the budget Motel’s advertising slogan, “We’ll keep the light on for you.” The hardest parenting seasons for us have been when our adult children made significant poor choices. We had far more sleepless nights during these seasons of life than when they were babies! Our prayers changed from “God, keep them on the right path” to “God, please capture their hearts, help them repent and return to Your path, (without experiencing too severe consequences).” Our perspective as parents had to change from making sure they did the right thing to making sure there was a safe place to land when they came to their senses.
We truly wrestled with the truthfulness of Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” We wondered, “Did we not train them well? Is their waywardness a direct result of our failures as parents? Is their lifestyle actually disqualifying me from my role in ministry?” (1 Timothy 3:4-5) These questions forced us to apply the grace of God to our own insecurities and learn new depths of what it means to trust in God. We came to understand that Prov. 22:6 is a principle, not a promise. Parenting isn’t a math formula: Pray with your kids every day, take them to church every week, and 100% they will walk closely with Jesus. I wish it were that simple, but it’s just not real life! Thankfully, by God’s grace, my kids are all walking closely with the Lord now, but it was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch them walk wayward for a season.
#3 – Encourage them to spread their wings spiritually.
As a pastor, naturally, I would love my children to attend the church where I serve. I would love to see their faith blossom into maturity under my pastoral care and parental love. So far, that’s not been the case. My eldest has grown the most spiritually since leaving our church to attend another in town with his wife. My middle child is prioritizing her walk with God over all other relationships, 2100 miles away from home. My youngest, while still living at home, is on a quest with several of her college friends to try out all the Bible teaching churches in our city to make sure she’s at the right one for her. While I’m holding out hope that she’ll land back at ours, I actually feel intense pride that she is not content to just float downstream in the religious environment she was raised in. She is truly spreading her wings to fly as a follower of Christ, and for us, that is what success with our adult kids looks like.
Ken Wood is the Senior Pastor of The Avenue Church Pueblo.
