Coaching Confession: I’m a Recovering Advice Giver

Hello, my name is John and I’m an advice-giver.

If there was an AA for advice-giving, I’d need to attend a group. Do you know what I mean? I guess pastors come by it honestly. We have all had those times after a worship service where a struggling congregant comes up to us and says, “Hey, Pastor, I know you are busy, but could we grab coffee this week? I need some advice or counsel.”  And we feel what when that happens? Important? Essential? Needed? Our advice is wanted, and we feel like we need to be there for that congregant.

And if we bite on that tempting morsel and give our advice, what usually happens? Two things: 1) if we are wrong, we get blamed and 2) if we are right, we don’t get the credit (usually) and the person we just gave advice to doesn’t learn anything.

"A true coach draws out of the person they coach asking good questions to help the person (coachee) make their own decisions."
John Howeth

A personal or professional coach is different from a mentor. Mentors say, “watch me, learn from me as I model how to do things, and I will advise you.” A true coach draws out of the person they coach asking good questions to help the person (coachee) make their own decisions. Learning accelerates when we are allowed to learn own lessons. A good coach guides and doesn’t dictate. 

Why do we tend to want to give advice?

  • When we give advice, we tend to feel in charge or think that we are in control. Advice-givers feel powerful and validated. In short, it is ego driven.
  • Giving advice appears easier. You don’t have to really listen, and you can offer up solutions based on your previous experience. You can share your personal knowledge.
  • When we give advice, we think we are helpful and since we want to be helpful to people, we tend to think we can offer the perfect answer to the solution. 
  • We as pastors, or men in general, tend to be problem solvers. But if we solve the problem for someone once, guess what? They will come back to us and never learn to figure out solutions on their own!
"Good coaching is not advice-giving but asking appropriate open-ended questions. Asking questions is the greatest remedy for advice-giving."

The idea of seeking counsel is connected to wisdom: “in a multitude of counselors there is wisdom” appears in the Bible in Proverbs 24:6 and Proverbs 11:14. Various translations have inserted or replaced “counselors” with advisors or “wisdom” with safety or victory. Regardless, it is wise to make major decisions without consulting with others but the best way to make decisions is to let a guide or a coach help you find God’s truth in a particular situation.

Good coaching is not advice-giving but asking appropriate open-ended questions. Asking questions is the greatest remedy for advice-giving. Use open questions to not only explore the situation but also to help the other person to explore opportunities and potential solutions.

I have learned to avoid becoming the advice maniac that it is helpful to have some go-to open-ended questions in your head and be ready to start with those questions. Also, taking notes is very helpful to write down responses. The other person feels valued when we do. 

Here are some examples of some good “starters” for asking questions:

  • What’s on your mind today? (this is the “Facebook question.”
  • What do you mean by…?
  • And what else?
  • What information do you have right now?
  • What are other challenges?
  • What is most important?
  • What is a next step you can take within the next 24 hours?
  • When do you want me to follow up with you to see how this is progressing?

A great resource for this is book called, The Coaching Habit, and the author shares 7 questions that are keys to moving away giving advice and moves towards helping someone come up with their own solutions.

You don’t have to be the hero in someone’s else story. Harry S. Truman said, “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” Ask good questions. Avoid advice giving.

John Howeth is the Regional Director of the Long Peaks Baptist Association