For years, our ministry has had the privilege of traveling to churches to engage, encourage, and equip parents to disciple their kids. Recurring themes seem to resurface everywhere we go: parents often live in legalism, comparison, unrealistic expectations, and fear.
The topic of parenting and family in general provides a multitude of emotions, and it’s our job as church leaders to lovingly shepherd parents to rest in God’s power and their identity in Him above all else.
Here are some suggestions I have found vital for encouraging parents. I pray you are encouraged and resourced by the four principles below as you train parents in your context and prepare home discipleship resources:
- Don’t forget grace. Christian parents will freely agree that they did not save themselves. I’ve never met a believer who claimed to hold such power! While they trust in the grace of the Lord, performance-based faith often seeps into parenting. How good they feel they are doing or have done in their parenting directly relates to how they feel the Lord sees them. There are many commands in Scripture related to parenting. However, if we are obeying or leading others to obey to earn God’s acceptance, we are fostering legalism, a deadly poison. Parents must be shepherded to know the Gospel (2 Cor. 5:21) and remind themselves daily of its power in parenting. If parents forget the gospel, real home discipleship goes out the window.
- Every family is different. We, humans, have the terrible habit of comparing ourselves to others. We can deceive ourselves into thinking we are better or worse than someone else based on what we observe and assume about them. This is especially true with families. One set of parents sees others from across the sanctuary and just assumes that they have it all together. Another set of parents looks across the room and assumes that a new family that started visiting the church really needs to get their act together. Regardless of the motivation, there’s a danger of finding worth or a lack thereof based on what we think is true about others. I’m reminded of John 21:20-22, when Peter asked Jesus about John’s fate. It quickly becomes clear that Jesus is not leading Peter to base his obedience on what John does or doesn’t do but simply to follow Christ. Empowering Christian parents to disciple their children will not happen if families are stuck in the comparison trap.
- There is no formula. Passages like Deut. 6:4-9, Psalms 78:1-8, Proverbs 22:6, and Ephesians 5:22-6:9 are just a few examples of the many passages in Scripture that provide parents with instruction in discipling the next generation. However, how those passages are applied practically will vary greatly from one family to the next. Any time I’m in a conference or reading a resource that advocates a method dogmatically, I get nervous. The truth is, God has blessed the global Church with countless resources that are solid biblically and will genuinely help families center their homes on Christ. Treating home discipleship like a silver bullet or in a formulaic way neglects the fact that every member of the family is created in the image of God and lives in a Genesis 3 world. Family worship won’t be perfect, and no book or conference will fix your kids or your marriage on its own. Instead, we are called to know our family members, meet them where they are, use resources that help, and discontinue using those that don’t. Our first motivation to disciple our kids comes from loving obedience to the Father, not primarily from the hope that our kids turn out okay. Once parents drop the pursuit of the formula, they are free to pursue their kids with grace, understanding, flexibility, and patience.
- Tear down the wall. Every conference I lead emphasizes this point before moving on to biblical exposition and the evaluation of generational trends and family research. Parents, like all of us, fear that being truly known will equal being quickly abandoned. We worry that people won’t love and accept us if they really knew who we are. However, to be fully known and fully loved is one of the most freeing experiences anyone could ever realize. Tearing down the wall is a phrase I use to encourage parents to be open to whatever the Holy Spirit has for them and for their family members. Boundaries are good things, and resisting the urge to overshare with every member of the church is wise. However, are we willing to give the Holy Spirit full authority, and are we willing to pursue relationships in the church that lead to full trust and transparency? I believe that real discipleship cannot occur if the members of our congregations are not really known. Once parents, by God’s grace, see the wall come down, some real work can begin!
Of course, this list is not exhaustive. It’s a small part of what we have found to be essential ground to cover before advising on methods, structures, resources, and strategies. What would you add to this list? What have you noticed that your church context really needs? I believe that one of the many Ephesians 4 equipping needs in churches is training moms and dads to practice intentional discipleship with their children. I hope that implementing the above four suggestions will aid your efforts to reach families.
May God richly bless your efforts in equipping!
Frank Trimble is the Executive Director of Family Time Training in Littleton, CO (famtime.com). He is also one of the Youth Directors at Calvary Church in Englewood, CO. He desires to see home discipleship become the norm, rather than the exception, in the lives of believers worldwide. His primary ministry is to his wife and their two wonderful daughters.