An unnamed friend of mine who pastors a large church in Tennessee can serve as an example of an emotional intelligence failure that many of us will understand. He shared a story about a time when he inadvertently cut in front of another driver at a round-about. He knew that he was in the wrong, and when the other driver reacted with an extended honk, my friend raised his hand in a wave of apology. But the other driver was not interested in apologies. At the next red light, he exited his car and expressed his anger at my friend’s mistake. At this point, my otherwise very spiritual and very mature friend reverted to an eighth-grade response by cranking up the slow-motion middle finger salute. They exchanged a few more salty admonitions before parting ways and ending a sour and embarrassing emotional encounter for my friend. At least no real harm was done…
Until he reached the pulpit of his third morning service a few Sundays later. A few minutes into his message, his eyes caught the grinning face of the man to whom he had so eloquently expressed his feelings through the “bird of justice.” Fortunately, the men talked, took responsibility, and became friends. He speaks of this incident as the most distressing moment of his ministry. He was grateful for the grace he received, but his encounter serves as a warning to any of us who have been shamefully ruled by our emotions.
In the most basic sense, emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions and the emotions of those around you. Often called EQ to connect with the more familiar IQ, emotional intelligence is important in both our personal and professional lives. The ability to choose our best responses in the face of emotional stimuli protects our reputation and relationships. I am sure that we all know many people in our churches, workspaces and homes who are at the mercy of their emotional cues. For some of us, a minor road-rage incident once in a decade is bad enough, for others, flying off the handle emotionally is something that is happening every day.
The Bible is helpful in growing our emotional intelligence. While IQ tends to provide a lifetime snapshot of our ability to process things intellectually, EQ is something that we can grow and become stronger at as we learn and apply truths and insights. Integrating biblical principles can enhance understanding and practice of emotional intelligence.
In my book, “Understanding Emotional Victory, 101,” I teach that there are five basic competencies involved in emotional intelligence.
Self-awareness is a personal growth skill that must be actively pursued. Socrates famously proclaimed that, “an unexamined life is not worth living.” The emotionally unintelligent might counter that argument with “what you don’t know won’t hurt you,” but as someone who has graded thousands of college essays, let me say with conviction that the things you do not know can most definitely cause pain. Paul reminds us in Romans 12:3 that we must think of ourselves with sober judgement. David speaks in the 139th Psalm of the need to examine our own heart. A lack of emotional self-awareness is a hallmark of poor emotional intelligence.
Self-regulation involves the processes and components involved when we decide what to think, feel, say, and do. It is highly relevant in the context of making a healthy choice when we have an ardent desire to do the opposite. The ability to self-regulate is encouraged by Mary Poppins when she tells the children that, “enough is as good as a feast.” The importance of self-control is emphasized in Proverbs 25:28, where Solomon tells us that a man without self-control is like a city without walls. Self-regulation protects us from all enemies to the faith. Paul discusses the fruit of the spirit within the context of emotional regulation as he caps his list in Galatians 5:22-23 with the very idea of self-control.
Motivation is defined as the driving force behind our actions. An emotionally intelligent person should use opportunities gleaned from self-awareness to identify and correct our motivations. Anything that motivates us that falls outside of a desire to demonstrate lordship to Jesus Christ is going to betray our emotional intelligence. In Colossians 3:23, Paul tells us that our minds should be set upon the motivation of working heartily as for the Lord. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 6:21, that “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” An emotionally intelligent person will challenge their motivations to come into alignment with lordship and desire.
Empathy is an ability to feel, share and respond to the emotions of other people. We do not live in a bubble, we are not the center of the universe, and emotional intelligence is a relational skill. Romans 12:15 shares Paul’s encouragement for us to be able to rejoice and to weep with others, when they are up and when they are down. He reminds us as well, in Ephesians 4:32, that kindness and compassion reflect the attitude of Christ toward ourselves, and that we owe it to Jesus to be empathetic to others. Emotionally mature people can always ask the question, “What is going on in their life that has them behaving this way?”
Social skills are the piece of emotional intelligence which causes us to examine all situations from an elevated perspective. The better we can facilitate effective communication and interactions with others, the greater our chances of creating social environments and relationships which are pleasing and beneficial to ourselves. Proverbs 18:24 says very clearly that one with unreliable friends will come to ruin, while others choose friends who “stick closer than a brother.” Our peer group is an indicator of our emotional intelligence, and our peer group also builds or destroys our emotional intelligence. When counseling individuals, I often challenge them that they may need to make changes in their friendship circles if they want to become emotionally blessed.
There are benefits to strengthening emotional intelligence through biblical principles. Emotionally grounded individuals have stronger interpersonal relationships than those of the emotionally disconnected. Married couples who are both able to demonstrate high EQ can discuss life issues calmly and rationally. If one or both in a marriage relationship are disconnected from emotional intelligence, every problem is simply an opportunity to go off the rails, and fights happen simply because problems exist. Often the problem is never addressed because of the danger of emotional trainwrecks.
Emotionally intelligent people enhance community and church interactions. They are peacemakers. They are active in promoting mental and emotional well-being inside of all social circles they inhabit. Fostering a culture of compassion and understanding is a natural outgrowth of their leadership.
Jesus offers great insight on the topic of emotional intelligence as he is quoted in John, chapter eight. He tells us that if we hold to his teaching, we are really his disciples, and we will know the truth, and that truth will set us free. The best way to grow in emotional intelligence is to abide in Jesus by dwelling upon scripture. The more we know his words, the more resources we have to allow us to speak and behave with emotional intelligence. It allows us to check ourselves for misunderstandings and weaknesses in our own souls. It gives us advice to do better.
In the coming weeks, we are going to discuss the value of naming and understanding our emotions, escaping the spin cycle of destructive emotional habits, and taking our thoughts captive. It is my prayer that you might be blessed by challenging yourself regarding your emotions. Blessings!
Darrin Crow has been the lead pastor of HEART of Junction Church since it was planted in 1998. He has used his M.A. in Counseling Psychology throughout his ministerial career, and continues to counsel with individuals and couples as a key part of his pastoral duties. Darrin recently authored his second book, Understanding Biblical Mental and Emotional Health 101: A starting place for finding peace by thinking biblically, available online through multiple book sellers.